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By Alyce Collins
Senior Reporter
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Dear Newsweek
My husband passed away a year ago, and recently my son announced that he's getting engaged, but since he lives on the West Coast, I hadn't previously met his fiancee. Right after he got engaged, I met him and his partner in Canada and stayed with them for four days. It wasn't an inexpensive trip.
After I got home, I found out that they are getting married in eight months and it won't be where they live in Washington, it will be in California instead. She is planning a big wedding and it will cost me to board my dogs, a hotel for myself, and a dress.
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Now I've been told that the groom's parents should pay for the rehearsal dinner. But she said it will be almost $40 a plate, not including tax and tip, and there are 40 people attending. The beverages are not included either.
I am on Social Security and am barely staying afloat. I have my house up for sale because I can't afford the taxes and upkeep. Do you think this is fair to ask of me? I will have to dip into my retirement plan to pay for this.
When I told her I couldn't afford more than $3,000, she said we can figure out the drinks later. She hasn't really said anything to me since and my son has been very quiet. I guess it means how dare I ruffle her feathers. What should I do?
Vickie, Connecticut
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They Can Adjust Their Plans To Your Capabilities
Jennifer Allen is known as the "Wedding to Wife" specialist, and as the founder of Just Elope she has made it her mission to rewrite the norms of wedding planning to make it a simple yet unforgettable experience.
The primary issue here lies with your son's lack of awareness and consideration regarding your financial situation. As your child, he should have been well-informed about your circumstances and taken the initiative to communicate them to his fiancee before any wedding planning took place.
When his fiancee informed him that traditionally the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner, your son should have spoken up immediately and explained that you are on a fixed income and cannot afford such an extravagant expense. It was his responsibility to manage expectations and advocate for you from the outset.
A heart-to-heart discussion with your son is necessary. Express to him that you love him and are overjoyed about his upcoming marriage, but that you cannot afford to contribute financially beyond a certain amount. Remind him that he is aware of your limited resources, and that you expected him to communicate this to his fiancee respectfully. This conversation should have been handled by your son, as it concerns his knowledge of your circumstances.
Once your son understands the situation from your perspective, he can then have an open and honest conversation with his fiancee. Together, they can adjust their wedding plans to align with your financial capabilities, without putting undue strain on your retirement savings.
Remember, this is a joyous occasion, and the focus should be on celebrating the union of your son and his partner, not on extravagant expenses. With open communication and understanding, a compromise can be reached that allows everyone to participate and enjoy the wedding without causing you financial hardship.
Don't Sacrifice Your Retirement Plans
Kendall Meade is a certified financial planner at SoFi who works directly with members and leads financial education events.
This can be a tricky situation and a hard discussion to have. Weddings come with a lot of societal pressure not just for the bride and groom, but for the parents as well. While it may be tradition for the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner, this isn't always the case. In fact, almost half of couples report paying for their entire wedding on their own.
I recommend setting up a time to talk with the bride and groom. It may be that they are not upset, but just busy with wedding planning or they may even be worried that they have upset you.
I recommend being honest with the bride and groom about what you can and cannot afford. Explain your situation and the other costs that you will be paying to make it to their big day, while reiterating how excited you are to be a part of it. If that means you can pay for the food, and they pay for the drinks, that could be a compromise. Or if you are unable to pay anything at all, you will just want to let them know in advance so they can make other arrangements.
You do not want to sacrifice your retirement plans or take on debt to cover these expenses as that will have long-term effects for your financial future.
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
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