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By Maria Morava
Relationships Reporter
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If labels make a relationship, why do the ones without labels hurt the most? One expert gives Newsweek a convincing answer, from her personal experience.
A video posted to TikTok by Olivia (@liv_inla) has gone viral after revealing a theory about why "situationships"—that is, relationships that are informal or unlabeled—are uniquely difficult to heal from. Since the clip was posted, it has received more than 417,000 views. Newsweek spoke to Olivia, and to licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg, founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles, California, to shed light on the claim.
In the video, Olivia began: "Situationships are notoriously hard to get over, because we feel like that person was our soul mate—and the reason we feel that way is because of dopamine. Dopamine is at its peak release when we are about 50/50 on whether something is going to happen or not... when we are most uncertain."
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Olivia added that a situationship is full of uncertainty. Are they going to text back? Will they want to go on another date? Are they interested in you the same way you are interested in them? Olivia listed examples of common phrases one asks themselves when in these loosely defined relationships.
"Everything about it is, like, we're completely as unsure as one can be," Olivia said.
When we do get that text back, though, she added, dopamine flows—and keeps us wanting more. While one person is receiving the dopamine hits and becoming more invested, the other is giving the dopamine hits, and not dependent on them to feel good or secure. That means that there is a relational imbalance, Olivia said, in which one person is more invested than the other.
As a behavioral health and public health researcher with a background in biology and psychology, Olivia's interest in these topics began before she had personal experience.
She told Newsweek: "When I ended my situationship, I started wondering why I was so devastated for so long when I'd healed relatively quickly from my five-year committed relationship. I knew intermittent reinforcement was a part of it, just as a function of my background and education...I started delving into the literature...to piece together the puzzle and get myself some answers."
Olivia said the inspiration to share the knowledge came from curiosity from her TikTok viewers after she shared in a video about ending her aforementioned situationship.
"People wanted to know how I knew I needed to end it, and how I did it, and how I was healing," she added. "I knew that a large part of my audience would probably also like to have some answers regarding how something so short lived and unreliable could cause such extreme distress.
"I like understanding the 'why' behind my feelings/behaviors so I figured other people would, too."
'Addictive Properties'
Therapist Rachel Goldberg told Newsweek that, in some ways, Olivia is onto something.
"In the situation she is describing, the person on the end of waiting for a text and wondering if there will be another date was likely getting hits of dopamine because of the uncertainty followed by validation; the partner reaching out," Goldberg said. "However, when that is taken away, they likely feel rejected, possibly unworthy, and there is a suppression of that rush of dopamine along with its anticipation."
Goldberg added that the other partner's offerings can be likened to a drug that has addictive properties. Reaching out with a text, then going silent, for example, creates the conditions for the other to seek that hit of validation again. And, when it's all over, the cycle leaves its mark.
"When the drug is no longer available, the roller coaster of highs and lows also ends, making it really challenging to move on," Goldberg said. "Additionally, the unfulfilled potential in an arrangement where one person had high expectations and hopes that fail to come to fruition contributes to the difficulty."
When all is said and done, the one offering and withholding the "rewards" likely doesn't feel as pained.
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What Did the Comments Say?
Viewers in the comments credited Olivia with an important mindset shift.
"I was literally about to text him...then I saw this," one person commented. "I cannot thank you enough." @e5th3r_ posted.
"You just blew my mind, I was getting the dopamine hit, he wasn't! This explains so much to me and helps me rationalize what happened. Thank you," @comedyname wrote.
In the video, Olivia provided tips for moving on from a situationship—and the first step, unsurprisingly, is getting out of the reward cycle Goldberg described. "You cut off contact, you end things with this person," Olivia said.
Then, all there is left to do is the healing. Move on from a situationship the way you would any relationship.
"If you need to cry, cry," Olivia said. "Let yourself feel the feelings."
Updated with comment from original poster Olivia at 10.30 a.m. EDT.
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