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By Daniella Gray
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Parenting can be one of life's most rewarding yet challenging roles, and getting the balance between guidance, empathy and structure is no easy feat.
A program that promises to build healthy family relationships is Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), an evidence-based approach to teaching practical skills for parents to use in all situations and dilemmas.
We've answered all your FAQs on Parent Effectiveness Training, and how to use it for parents seeking a positive and collaborative household.
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What is Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.)?
Parent Effectiveness Training is a communication-based parenting program developed by award-winning psychologist and three-time Nobel Peace Prize nominee Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962.
The program focuses on building healthy, respectful relationships between parents and their children through effective communication and conflict-resolution skills.
"At its core, P.E.T. is based on the belief that children do not 'misbehave' but rather behave in ways that satisfy their immediate needs," explains P.E.T. master trainer Meike Lemmens.
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Lemmens shares the following examples:
- A baby cries because they are hungry
- A 3-year-old refuses to wash their hair for fear of water in their eyes
- A 4-year-old resists bedtime because they finally have their mom all to themself
- A 13-year-old plays x-box longer than agreed because it is just too much fun
- A 16-year-old comes home later than you feel safe because they want to spend time with friends
"Conflict arises when these needs clash with the needs and expectations of the parent," Lemmens adds.
Some impose rules and expect obedience without considering the child's opinions or feelings, while others are more laid back when it comes to discipline to keep the peace.
Lemmens believes that nowadays, most parents oscillate between these authoritarian and permissive parenting styles:
- They start the week strictly but become lenient by the weekend
- They are authoritarian with young kids and permissive with teenagers
- They are strict on major issues but lenient on minor ones
"Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other, and this cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentment can damage the parent-child relationship," Lemmens says.
"P.E.T. offers an alternative called No-Lose Problem Solving, emphasizing cooperation and understanding between parents and children.
"This method of conflict resolution aims for mutually satisfying solutions rather than coercion, control or giving in."
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What Are the Key Components of P.E.T.?
There are four key components of the P.E.T. program to positively impact children's behavior.
- Active Listening: Parents learn to listen to their children empathetically and reflectively, validating their feelings and experiences without judgment.
- I-Messages: Parents are taught to express their own feelings and needs clearly and responsibly without blaming or criticizing their children, using statements that start with "I", rather than "You".
- No-Lose Conflict Resolution: The program emphasizes collaborative problem-solving where both the parents' and the children's needs are considered, leading to mutually satisfying solutions.
- Behavior Window: A tool that helps parents identify who owns the problem in a situation, guiding appropriate responses based on whether the issue lies with the parent, child or both.
What Are the Skills Required to Successfully Complete the P.E.T. Program?
To see a dramatic improvement in your parenting skills and relationship with your children, Lemmens states these four skills are required:
- Helping Skills: By paying full attention to your child, you can understand their perspectives: "Actively listening to children's problems, needs and feelings to help them become more self-sufficient in solving their own problems," says Lemmens.
- Relationship and Preventing Skills: Setting and communicating clear, consistent expectations can help your child understand boundaries. "Disclosing your needs and feelings and managing the environment and time to prevent conflicts proactively."
- Confrontation Skills: Addressing behavioral issues effectively without blame when a child's actions interfere with your needs.
- Conflict Resolution Skills: Anticipating potential issues and addressing them early enough through careful planning reduces the likelihood of conflict. "Collaboratively finding solutions with children that satisfy both parties, when your needs and wants conflict with your child's needs or wants," Lemmens says.
These skills help create a nurturing and supportive environment where children feel understood, respected and valued.
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How Does P.E.T. Benefit Families?
P.E.T. offers numerous benefits for both parents and children, including stronger relationships, emotional intelligence and enhanced self-esteem.
Lemmens says parents of the P.E.T. program report the following benefits:
- Improved Communication: P.E.T. methods enhance the ability to listen and communicate effectively, Lemmens says. "More open conversations with their children due to communicate better communication, active listening and expressing feelings more constructively."
- Conflict Resolution Skills: P.E.T. teaches non-confrontational conflict resolution skills, leading to "fewer power struggles, less tension and resentment," says Lemmens.
- Increased Empathy: Understanding and managing emotions pays dividends for both parent and child. "A closer, more trusting bond with their children because they understand they better understand their children's needs, feelings, and perspectives."
- Self-Regulation: "Fewer anger outbursts and feel more confidence in handling challenging parenting situations due to better self-regulation techniques and management of their own emotions and responses."
- Promoting Independence: "Children become more confident and responsible because parents better support their children's autonomy and decision-making skills."
Dr. Gloria Chiang, Pediatric Psychologist and Chief of Neuropsychology at Orlando Health Arnold Palmer Hospital for Children, says that while Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training program excellent job of combining all the techniques into one course, it's come to her attention that the program does not specifically address parents with children with special needs.
Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International, told Newsweek: "P.E.T. doesn't specifically address any particular group of parents—it is meant for all parents. Over the years, we have heard from parents of children with special needs who used the P.E.T. concepts and skills effectively with them."
"The P.E.T. program does assume that the child has age-appropriate language and cognitive skills," Dr. Chiang states.
"Therefore, it may not be effective for parents whose children have developmental challenges or even children with psychiatric conditions, such as depression and anxiety."
Dr. Chiang also points out that attempting to resolve the conflict might not be the best approach because children engage with certain behaviors for a reason.
"For example, children may act out if they are anxious," she says.
"Perceiving an outburst as a conflict, rather than based in anxiety, will just lead to increased frustration for the child and may prolong and intensity that outbursts."
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Why Are More Parents Buying Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training?
Parents are increasingly turning to Dr. Thomas Gordon's P.E.T. for its proven ability to transform family dynamics through enhanced communication and conflict resolution.
The program's focus on active listening, empathy and collaborative problem-solving equips parents with the skills to build stronger, more respectful relationships with their children.
"The Gordon Training works so well because it has reviewed the research on child development and incorporates many theories of child development and behavior," Dr. Chiang explains.
Given that the Gordon Training program is not centered around an authoritarian style of parenting (which imposes strict rules and expects compliance), Dr. Chiang says "the parent sets expectations but teaches the child the reason for rules and then helps the child to achieve them," which could be why it's so effective.
P.E.T. also helps parents identify the reasons behind a child's behavior which can be to gain a reward, avoid punishment, self-stimulate or seek attention.
"Many programs and books tell parents how they should parent, but they don't show the parent what to do," Dr. Chiang comments.
"The goal of the Gordon Training program is to ensure parents know what to do and allows for practice."
The P.E.T. Gordon Training program emphasizes altering the environment to prevent conflicts.
For example, if a child tries to open a cabinet, it's better to lock it rather than repeatedly saying "no".
"This allows problems to be prevented and not lead to an argument or battle," Dr. Chiang says.
According to Dr. Chiang, Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training works so well because it increases the confidence in the parent, which reduces anxiety in the child as a result.
"Children are social beings and often imitate their parents. By decreasing anxiety in the parent, the child is also less anxious during parent-child interactions, which will automatically lead to decrease conflicts," she concludes.
Here's what some parents had to say about their experience with P.E.T.:
"This course has been life changing. I feel so much more confident parenting with these tools. I have seen real improvements in my kids' behavior. When my child feels understood it immediately brings down the emotional temperature. I am more calm when confronting. More motivated on improving." - Genevieve B.
"I was apprehensive at first but changed the week I learned my needs are important. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of this way of parenting. It shows that its about the parent's need as well as child to be effective. The instructor is very experienced & showed best practices in role plays." - Shin K.
"Amazing experience, I feel so grateful for the effective tools I have learned and the closer bond I have with my girls. I feel peace of mind knowing we will be able to weather the teenage storms one day. My daughter is much more verbal, sharing her inner thoughts, fears and feelings and we are bonded closer. They also clean up more :-)." - Tali B.
Correction 8/9/24 at 11:18 a.m. ET: This story was corrected to clarify that the Gordon Training program is not centered around an authoritarian style of parenting.
Update 8/9/2024 at 11:18 a.m. ET: This article was updated to include a comment from Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International.
Correction 8/14/2024 at 03:32 a.m. ET: This article was changed to correct the name of the course.
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