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By Suzanne Blake
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It's the quintessential first date text: "Let's meet for drinks."
But what happens when you don't drink? What do you do then?
The dilemma is common enough that there's been a movement to change that norm and offer a space for specifically sober dating.
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As more Gen Z-ers and millennials embrace sober or sober curious lifestyles, there's been a push to meet people without the influence of alcohol.
That, as well as her personal experience, is why Jessie Urvater decided to found Club Pillar, the dating app designed for sober dating.
At the time, eight months ago, Urvater was dating an alcoholic and found herself struggling.
"There are over 1,500 dating apps in the market, yet there's a glaring gap in the market, a void for a reliable, trustworthy platform dedicated to helping sober and sober-curious individuals find meaningful connections," Urvater told Newsweek. "The current mass-market dating apps are dominated by users who indulge, making them incompatible with the needs of the sober."
Urvater described the typical experience she and others experience on the app: you have a match. They seem cute, gainfully employed, and their opener is decent, she said.
"But after some back and forth, you receive the inevitable message: 'Let's get a drink this week,'" Urvater said. "If you say you don't drink, they'll wonder why. If you say you're sober, they'll assume you're no fun. If you say you're a recovering alcoholic, they'll run for the hills. And no matter the response, they'll follow up with the same question: 'Why don't you drink?'"
While Urvater said she's come up with many responses to this question, like a fake next morning job interview, alcohol allergy or being too hungover to drink, she said the lies never quite fix the problem.
"Drinking environments are still triggering," Urvater said. "The people across the table are often uncomfortable navigating a night without booze. Modern dating is enough of a minefield without having to treat your sobriety like an obstacle."
Enter Club Pillar, which launches on Tuesday, an app that capitalizes on both the rise of the sober curious movement as well as ongoing frustrations with the dating apps on the market.
"By combining digital dating with real-world events, Club Pillar meets today's health-conscious consumers' needs and provides a timely solution for those seeking meaningful connections within a supportive community," Urvater said.
So far, the bulk of Club Pillar's signups have been from New York City and Los Angeles among the primarily millennial and late Gen Z demographics.
Gen Z, specifically, has been at the precipice of a larger movement. Despite their young ages, many are giving up alcohol and prioritizing health and conscious living, Urvater said.
"This generation seems to be more health-conscious than previous generations, prioritizing longevity," Urvater said. "We have more information now than we did in the past about the effects of alcohol and drugs and how they impact our mental health."
Bryan Driscoll, an HR consultant and generational expert, said many in the younger generation find removing alcohol helps them maintain a better well-being.
"They have grown up in a time of greater transparency about mental health issues and substance abuse, and they seem more willing to question societal norms," Driscoll told Newsweek. "The rise of social media has given them a platform to share their experiences and find communities that support their choices, including those who choose to date sober."
How The App Works
Those joining Club Pillar can be sober or sober curious for any reason, whether they're in recovery or don't drink for health reasons.
It's also a members-only, vetted community, Urvater said, making it the first members-only dating application in the sober space. This allows the app to be a "safe and trustworthy" environment where members can be confident in the authenticity of their interactions, she said.
It also brings the dating scene to real life, with events offered in a higher subscription tier.
Dating App Demise
Earlier this year, Bumble's founder and chief executive Whitney Wolfe stepped down, and Match Group, the owner of Tinder, Hinge and Match.com, reported lower-than-expected earnings results.
The financial results come on top of many millennial and Gen Z complaints that the apps' algorithms do not have their best interests in mind and instead are built to keep users single and swiping on the app.
More specific concerns are slightly different for male and female users: men complain that they get no matches, while women are overwhelmed with low-quality interactions.
"I believe that the reason many Gen Z'ers are losing interest in the big dating applications is due to the fact that there are so many options available, and as a result, people are matching, but they are never actually meeting, leading to dating app churn, low self-confidence, and disinterest," Urvater said.
She believes Club Pillar is an exception to this rule. It provides between five to 10 swipes a day, meaning there's more incentive to actually talk with and meet their matches.
It's also exclusive to those who fit within the sober community, who often don't have luck with other apps.
"There is significant stigma and judgment for individuals who are sober or sober-curious, especially when it comes to dating," Urvater said. "Sober dating differs from traditional dating because individuals do not need to explain why they aren't drinking immediately upon meeting or matching with someone. Instead, they can be more present and engage in activities not centered around partying, allowing for deeper, more genuine connections."
Driscoll echoed this statement, saying sober dating fosters an authenticity beyond connecting over cocktails.
"The rise of sober dating can be seen as a reflection of a societal shift towards more mindful and intentional living," Driscoll said. "It challenges the often capitalist-driven narrative that consumption equals happiness. Instead, being sober or mostly-sober promotes a more sustainable and self-aware approach to relationships and social interactions."
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