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By Lucy Notarantonio
Senior Reporter
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Burying a child is every parent's worst nightmare and the pain is unimaginable for many. However, one woman's agony has been compared to losing a pet, leaving the internet horrified.
A 38-year-old mother turned to Reddit for support following the death of her teen daughter who sadly lost her four-year battle against blood cancer.
Leukemia is the most common form of the disease in children and teens, accounting for almost one out of three cases, according to the American Cancer Society. Sadly, the Reddit users daughter passed away two weeks ago and ever since people have been trying to comfort her.
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User frost_flower111 wrote: "I understand they are just trying their best, but it doesn't always help. My sister who doesn't have kids (a personal choice of hers), specifically, has been the worst at trying to help me."
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She explained the sibling had attempted to relate to the woman's grief by comparing it to how she felt when her 16-year-old cat was put down.
The woman said: "I lost a pet before, so I know how difficult that can be, but it's different than losing my actual human daughter. She has said things like 'I know how you feel about (daughter's name) because of the loss of (cat name). She was my child.' I understand animals are like family, but my daughter and her cat aren't the same. I was trying to just ignore her and let her comfort me with how she felt."
On September 8, the mother expressed how she felt about the sibling's support.
"I finally got upset and said: 'No, you don't, yes pets can be part of the family and mean a lot to you, I understand losing your cat was hard. But my daughter was my daughter. So until you experience this type of grief and have to see your daughter die slowly from a horrible disease you aren't allowed to act like losing a cat is the same thing,'" she wrote.
As a result of this, the sister branded the mother as "heartless" and other people agreed that she could have reacted in a different manner. However, thousands of Reddit users disagreed and the post had received 7,800 upvotes at the time of writing.
Eileen Anderson, a medical and psychological anthropologist discussed the viral post with Newsweek.
She said: "Losing a child is universally acknowledged as one of the worst losses someone can go through. However, the best ways to support someone may vary depending on their experience."
Anderson, the director of Case Western Reserve University's educational programs in bioethics and medical humanities, in Cleveland, Ohio, has shared four tips aimed to help people support a parent during a traumatic loss.
- Show up. Even if you don't know what to say, be present. Do not avoid the parents or other family because you are not sure how to approach. Even a text that you are thinking of them matters. You can listen to them and their experience. Talk about their child. Sometimes people are afraid of reminding them of the child. They never forget and want to keep the memory and impact of the child's life alive. Tell a sweet story about the child they might not know about otherwise.
- Do not insert your own belief system on the family, especially without knowing theirs. Comments such as, "It's God's will," or "God/the universe wouldn't give you more than you can handle," may feel supportive to say if you believe them, but they can be hurtful to the grieving parents.
- Do not try to solve the problem. Each person going through such loss has a different experience, supports and needs. Presence is the best way to engage, rather than trying to solve their grief.
- Offer concrete help. While it may feel natural to say, "how can I help?" a grieving person undergoing trauma rarely can process open-ended requests like this one. Better ideas are to say, "I'd like to bring you dinner. Does Thursday work?" Or, "I'd like to help you with yardwork. Can I come by Saturday at 10am?"
So far, the post has received a flood of support, with some Redditors sharing their own similar experiences.
The top comment, with 11,400 votes, said: "DUDE this happened to me too!!! My mom died and one of my friends was like 'oh yeah I remember watching my dog die' like?!?!? I get humans like to try to connect, but what the actual f***. Anywho NTA (Not The A******)."
"I lost my older dog and it put a hole in my soul, but like you say it was likely always going to happen. Nobody should ever have to bury their child," said another user.
"NTA, OP, you are absolutely right. You need to cut off every single person who tries to tell you that you acted like an a****** to your sister. Do not budge from this, and do not apologize to her for [the sake of] keeping the peace," advised another.
Newsweek reached out to u/frost_flower111 for comment. We could not verify the details of the post.
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