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By Alyce Collins
Senior Reporter
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A new mom has faced backlash online after revealing the rules she gave her family before welcoming her son, but she says they were for the betterment of her postpartum recovery.
In a now-viral TikTok post, Kirsten, 27, outlined the "rules and expectations" she set her friends and family ahead of her son's birth in October 2023. Among the rules she and her partner set, the list included no kissing; wearing face masks; no visitors for the first eight weeks; no shoes in the house; no strong perfumes; and up-to-date vaccinations.
Kirsten (who doesn't wish to disclose her full name), from Los Angeles, California, presented the PowerPoint in August. She told Newsweek that this was "a necessary approach" for the family dynamic. Her goal was to keep Ezra safe, but she was also keen to have uninterrupted time with her son.
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"My partner and I thought long and hard about what rules we wanted. We didn't want to keep people away, but I also didn't want to be bombarded freshly postpartum," Kirsten said.
"We didn't want a bunch of visitors holding the baby the entire time they came over. We didn't want people coming over to just visit the baby. I'm a first-time mom and I didn't accept unsolicited advice. If we needed help, we asked those we trusted."
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After a cesarean section, the last thing she wanted to do was host guests. Instead, she managed to create a family bubble for eight weeks that allowed her to develop a routine with Ezra and learn his different cues.
Almost everyone was understanding, but some extended family didn't agree with the presentation, and they walked out. Kirsten hasn't spoken to them since. To her surprise, the most controversial restriction was the 'no kissing' rule, which disappointed some.
"We didn't force anyone to do anything, but if anyone wanted to see our son, they were going to have to follow the rules we set. No one is entitled to see our child, and we are not responsible for your feelings," Kirsten added.
Kirsten said that setting these rules helped her postpartum experience. They were still able to check in with friends and family via FaceTime, phone calls, and texts, without having to "worry about entertaining."
Is It Necessary to Set Boundaries?
Setting boundaries is important for new parents, as licensed perinatal mental-health specialist Becca Reed told Newsweek that it can provide space during the fourth trimester.
Not only is the mom recovering from childbirth, but she is also working out what routines work best for the baby, so it can be helpful to give family guidance for the first few weeks.
Reed said: "The need for privacy and quiet can be intense, particularly those susceptible to anxiety or postpartum mood disorders. In these cases, the boundaries that are set out are not just preferences, but necessities.
"Anxiety sometimes plays a significant role in how boundaries are set. New parents may feel overwhelmed by well-intentioned visitors. The fear of exposing the newborn to germs or disrupting the baby's routines can exacerbate parental anxieties."
Not everyone may like them, but Reed added that boundaries can "serve as a protective measure" to help parents feel secure during such an uncertain time.
She said friends and family should respect the decisions that parents make for their children and know that they aren't permanent. It may take weeks or months, but when parents are ready, they will be happy for people to see their new bundle of joy.
Reed said: "It's important to balance the need for personal time with the benefits of wider family interactions. Parents generally understand the benefit of interactions with a broader circle of family members on the social and emotional development of their infant."
How Did TikTok React?
After sharing her PowerPoint on TikTok, the post generated more than 2.6 million views and over 69,800 likes. Kirsten encouraged other parents not to be "afraid to advocate" for their children.
The abundance of strict rules horrified many, leading to a lot of negative responses online. However, Kirsten refuses to let that affect her, and she remains happy with the boundaries she set.
She told Newsweek: "I wanted to share it online in hopes of it reaching a soon-to-be-mom who is struggling with setting boundaries for her family. It was meant to be a learning experience, but quickly turned into an attack on me and my parenting style.
"I was shocked to see so many moms shaming me for wanting to protect my child. If the PowerPoint is something you wouldn't do, that's fine. If it's something you gained inspiration from, that's great. At the end of the day, this is just a snippet into my life."
Now 6 months old, Ezra is doing well and is hitting his milestones perfectly. Kirsten said that the rules haven't affected him or held him back in any way. Indeed, if she has another baby, she plans on setting the same markers again next time, too.
There were many mixed reactions to the TikTok post, which has gained almost 13,000 comments already. One comment reads: "People will do stuff like this and then scream about not having a village."
Another person responded: "It's amazing how I've had 6 babies and they've all survived without a slideshow."
A third TikTok user commented: "As a health care worker, all of this is so valid. This is not insane at all."
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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