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By Daniella Gray
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A mom of two has been applauded for opening up about her struggle with gender disappointment.
Tiffany Gaines from San Diego, California shared a reel on Instagram, explaining why her story was difficult to share.
Gaines' first experienced gender disappointment 12 weeks into her first pregnancy when she received the results of her NIPT test. The news that she was carrying a boy came as a shock.
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Having just lost her mother to ovarian cancer, Gaines had clung to the idea of having a daughter as a way to recreate that mother-daughter bond she missed so painfully.
"The prospect of having a daughter was one of the few things that kept me emotionally stable as she was dying," the 34-year-old told Newsweek. "I said to her, 'How will I survive without you?', and she said with tears in her eyes, 'Look into the eyes of the new'."
The idea of having a daughter had been reinforced time and time again. Her mother had written inside book jackets with messages like: One day I hope you'll share this book with your daughter.
There was also a prediction from a psychic medium who reported that she was receiving messages from her late mom. She told Gaines would fall pregnant with a girl and her mom said everything would go smoothly.
When Gaines discovered that she was having a boy, it was earth-shattering. The mom to be had already named her daughter, started journaling to her and prepared her old baby clothes from the attic.
"When I received the call at 12 weeks that the fetus was a boy, I actually felt like my world was crashing around me. My pre-existing grief was compounded with an added heaviness that I could hardly breathe through," Gaines said.
Gaines was open and honest with friends and family about her preference for a daughter and the disappointment she was feeling. While she knew her feelings were valid, not everyone was as understanding.
"I received a lot of judgement from friends and family," she said. "People slapped me on the wrist for caring about gender when all that I should yearn for was a healthy baby. I got a lot of, 'What about people who can't have babies?' and 'You should be grateful'."
But while Gaines was grateful she was also grieving—not just for the daughter she had dreamed of but for the mother she had lost to cancer.
"It was hard to know that on the outside people perceived that I was just being grumpy about not getting to shop in the girl aisle, and that I was insensitive to the fact that gender is more than genitals and it's expression can evolve over time," she said.
Once reality had set in Gaines threw herself into being a boy mom. She bought herself a bracelet that said "boy mom" and sought advice from her sister about what it was like to have sons.
Naming him was also a big step to acceptance. "I named my son Brighton. I made it my prerogative to declare that he was a bright light during a dark time."
Even though she thought she had made progress, Gaines felt disconnected to her newborn son. "I felt like he was a stranger. I wondered where my daughter was. I think that was the feeling that I felt most ashamed and upset about."
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Postpartum depression took hold and she struggled even more when Brighton took longer than usual to say "mama" as his first word.
During this time, Gaines attended therapy sessions, restarted taking antidepressants and shared her experience online.
By the time she was pregnant with her second baby, the mom was prepared for another wave of disappointment. She even took an early gender test at six weeks to give herself time to process privately before announcing her pregnancy.
Her son, Beau, was born and this time, she felt an instant connection. "Relief came over me—that my soul wasn't damaged and that my heart wasn't three sizes too small," she said.
She still had her doubts about raising two boys until a friend gave her a much-needed perspective shift. He told Gaines that she's a person who goes all in on anything she does.
"He was right. I needed to go all in," she added.
She embraced boy mom life fully, learning woodworking to create handmade toys, repairing broken toy cars and becoming a proud "momchanic" of the house.
Gaines' reel clocked up over 690,000 views and over 5,000 likes. Other Instagram users flooded the comment section, praising the mom of two for sharing her honest account.
"I for one am so grateful that you shared your experience, because I can relate," one user wrote.
A second commenter said, "Moms are people too and it's normal for people to feel disappointed when their expectations don't meet reality."
"As a mom of two boys I can understand this," added another.
Some users, on the other hand, weren't as understanding and lacked empathy for Gaines.
Newsweek spoke to Claire Law, a teacher and relational psychotherapist who specializes in guiding people through complex interpersonal dynamics, fostering understanding and growth in their relationships.
Law said that parenting is often imagined before it's experienced, shaped by societal expectations and images of what parenthood should look like. When reality doesn't match these expectations, it can lead to disappointment.
"Gender disappointment is often a surface-level reaction to something deeper," Law said. "It's about connection, identity, and the stories people tell themselves about what their family will look like."
In Gaines' case, it's more about letting go of something she thought she would have, she said. Law explained that this disappointment is common but rarely discussed due to feelings of shame.
"A mother who acknowledges the disappointment, sits with it, and allows herself to adapt is far more likely to bond fully with her children than someone who feels guilty for even having those emotions," Law said.
Over time, parents realize that connection is built on shared experiences and presence, not gender.
Gaines is still hopeful for a daughter in her future but feels at peace with her life as a mom to boys.
"My sons suddenly did not look like girls or boys to me. They were joy. Every atom in their body was joyous and happy to be alive. I could not be more proud of my sons. They are magnificent beings of light and love. They live up to their namesakes in every way."
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