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By Jack Beresford
Senior Reporter
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A man who is asking for proof that his newly pregnant girlfriend's unborn child is his has been applauded over his hardline response to the news.
While traditional monogamy may be the preference for the majority of Americans, a significant proportion of singletons are exploring the idea of something altogether different. That much was apparent in the latest Singles in America study, conducted by the dating website Match, in which over 5,000 single U.S. adults from across the country were quizzed on their sex, dating and relationship preferences in 2023.
It showed that while 49 percent of singles considered traditional monogamy to be their "ideal sexual relationship" type, 31 percent had at least explored the idea of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
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While it may be a consideration for many singles, it's not without its pitfalls, as one man posting to Reddit under the handle u/Old-Tax3173 highlighted.
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According to the post, he and his girlfriend "believe in ENM." He wrote: "I work in town and have several partners for when she is working.
"She works at a huge construction project on the west coast and flies home for one week after working for two. Since the men outnumber the women there like 30 to one she has no problems finding partners."
However, things became complicated recently after he discovered his girlfriend had gotten pregnant. "We are always careful and use protection," he said. "But I realize that isn't always 100 percent effective."
Though the man insisted he was "excited" for the baby and "happy" to be starting a family, he wanted to make sure he is the baby's father as he has no interest in "paying to raise someone else's child."
So he gave her an ultimatum. "I told her that we need to get a paternity test," he said. "I just needed proof." She refused his request though, leaving him considering a drastic response. "I said that without proof I wasn't signing the birth certificate and that I would be moving out so I could not be said to have acted as a parent," he said.
His girlfriend nevertheless believes he should "step up" in the circumstances.
Rules and Guidelines
Commenting on the dilemma, Carole Cox, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks, a nationwide mental health company offering therapy services, felt the man was within his rights to make this request.
"No matter what a person's chosen lifestyle is with another partner, whether it be traditional marriage, live-in-companion, polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) like this couple, there needs to be rules and guidelines in order to keep harmony," Cox told Newsweek.
"These rules and guidelines need to be agreed upon when the arrangements for the relationship have been made. These arrangements help protect the parties involved from a legal and financial perspective as well as emotionally. ENM couples have very complex dynamics to start with."
Cox felt that while the woman "has the right to have this baby if she wants," the man also "has the right to know if the child" is his and decide what to do.
"The paternity test demand has highlighted a flaw in the foundation of the relationship. That is whether or not the couple has communicated from the outset about the ethical boundaries and rules that both agree upon," she said.
"Raising a child is a lifelong responsibility, both morally, emotionally, and financially; and great care and communication needs to be discussed prior to having a child who innocently is born into the situation if this is the choice."
She urged the couple to seek out help from a therapist where both parties would feel seen and heard while also reaching a resolution that suits the interests of the child.
Most people online agreed that the man was right to request a paternity test. One Reddit user noted that while it was the right thing to do "in these circumstances," they were not doing the "ethical" part of "ethical non monogamy" particularly well.
Another agreed that it was right to ask "when you're in a pre-established relationship that involves male partners other than you," but the man needed to work on his "communication" when it came to addressing these kinds of issues.
Newsweek reached out to u/Old-Tax3173 for comment.
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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