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Amber Krystallis isn't getting out much these days. She spends every waking moment at someone else's beck and call, performing a dizzying blur of tasks that never seem to satisfy her commander, much less elicit a thank you. "He's fussy most of the time," allows the Bronxville, N. Y., fashion-industry assistant who often toils away in the middle of the night, logging only about four or five hours of sleep. Preparing to unveil a designer's latest collection? Hardly. Krystallis is on maternity leave, caring for her infant son, Jackson, and realizing that new parenthood is a kind of endless episode of "Survivor"--without the sweeping views.
Whoever came up with the Peace Corps motto "The Toughest Job You'll Ever Love" probably wasn't a parent. Most expectant couples are braced for sleep deprivation and dirty diapers. But the reality is much, much harder in ways that even the most informed new parents may find surprising. Research shows that marriage takes a hit when baby makes three. Gen-X parents in particular are reeling. According to a 2003 analysis of 90 studies involving 31,000 married people, the drop in marital satisfaction after the first baby's birth is a staggering 42 percent larger among the current generation of parents than their predecessors. "The finding is particularly strong for women with infants," adds Jean Twenge, an assistant professor of psychology at San Diego State University and a coauthor of the review. Satisfaction dips even lower (though only slightly) with each successive child. Studies also suggest that one third to one half of new-parent couples experience as much marital distress as couples already in therapy for marital difficulties. No wonder the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University concluded in its 2004 annual report, "Children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages."
Part of the problem is simply the bone-grinding demands of child care, which can push a couple's relationship not just to the back burner, but clear off the stovetop. "I'm so burned out at the end of the day that I have nothing left for my husband. All I want to do is get in my bed, read my book and escape," confesses Amelia Gerlin, a Shelbourne, Vt., at-home mother of two children.
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Tensions like these have probably been around since Neanderthal parents grunted at each other. But for the current generation of new parents--who tend to be older and already juggling careers--the hurdles are higher because the expectations are, too. It's not enough to raise a nice kid; she's got to be ahead of the developmental curve and involved in arts and athletic activities, too (while fueled only by nutritious, organic snacks, of course). The couples' individual roles change as well. She becomes a diaper-changing lactation machine; he feels pressured to earn big bucks. "A new baby often trips couples back into stereotypical roles and gender expectations of each other. It's a very hard thing to resist," says Barbara Risman, co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families in New York. While the expectation is for fathers to be more involved than ever (and many are), it is still mom who does most of the work. "I'm definitely taking the June Cleaver role," allows Mara Barth, who left her job as a travel consultant six weeks before the birth of her son, Sam, in October. Though her husband knows his way around a Pamper, she tends to change most of the diapers; she also makes sure the pantry is stocked and dinner is on the table (even if it means ordering in). Barth has no complaints. But a University of California, Berkeley, study that tracked 100 couples from first pregnancy through the child's transition to kindergarten found that the No. 1 source of conflict in the first three years of parenthood is the division of labor. The couples had expected a more 50-50 arrangement than they ended up with, explains psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, who, with her husband, documented these findings in "When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples." The Cowans also found that when the dad doesn't step up, mom is more likely to report symptoms of depression. "That's not a good recipe for parenting or for the couple's relationship," says Cowan.
What's a parent to do? Drawing on data from a 13-year study, Seattle-based psychologist and marriage expert John Gottman found that couples who are most likely to remain happy after becoming parents are those in which the husband admires his wife, keeps romance alive and understands his wife's inner life. (It helps if the woman reciprocates but, according to Gottman, it's hubby's behavior that makes the difference.) Gottman also encourages couples to communicate with kindness. Instead of screaming, "You lazy s.o.b.! Do I have to do everything?" take a deep breath, lose the edge in your tone, and say, "I know you're sleep-deprived, too. But will you please put the dishes away?" And to preserve intimacy, Gottman urges parents to go out on regular dates--without the wee ones (box).
Of course, parents aren't the only ones who struggle with the arrival of a new baby. Many older siblings don't exactly feel the love. "It's very hard to share someone you love," explains Nancy Samalin, author of "Loving Each One Best," a book about raising siblings. James Srebnick would surely agree. His parents tried to prepare the toddler for the arrival of his little brother last fall; they talked about what it would be like, and read books about becoming a big brother. James was onboard, happily kissing his mommy's belly as the pregnancy progressed. Then Andrew arrived. "He freaked," recalls Jessica Goldman Srebnick, a hospitality-industry executive in Miami Beach, Fla. Sometimes James would even try to hit the baby. With plenty of one-on-one time with both of his parents, James rallied. "Now, when he wakes up in the morning, he says, 'Where's A.J.?' He'll go see the baby and say, 'Good morning, buddy,' which makes my heart sing," notes Srebnick.
Some family members' hearts are singing from the get-go. You can pretty much count on grandma and grandpa to be smitten with the new generation. And unless grandparents weigh in a little too often with unsolicited advice or direction, the arrival of grandchildren can draw a couple closer to their own family of origin, as well as to in-laws with whom they now share a history and a future. "It's been really great for my relationship with my parents. I struggled with them in days gone by but now, with the kids, they adore them and they help me quite a bit," says Amelia Gerlin, who lives near her parents. Grandparents can make great pinch-sitters--a lifeline to stressed-out parents. Pity those who don't have it. "It would be easy if we had parents or family in town," says Toby Page, an airline-industry buyer in Frisco, Texas. He and his wife ultimately decided that it made sense for Kimberly to quit her job to stay home with baby Austin.
Like Kimberly Page, about one third of women leave the work force after starting a family; another third dial back to part-time hours. It's a decision with which many struggle, and either choice brings its own stresses. Working parents must juggle their professional demands with their family's needs; couples who give up one income often grapple with financial worries. After all, those little bundles of joy cost a bundle of green. According to Baby Bargains, a popular, money-saving guide for new and expectant parents, providing a baby with the basics comes in at $6,200. And that just covers the first year. The U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that it costs middle-class Americans $178,590 to raise a child to age 18, a staggering amount that doesn't even include college.
But you can't put a price tag on the incalculable joys of parenthood. While a baby will upend your life as you know it, the new arrival can also enrich your existence in ways you couldn't imagine, in the process transforming a marriage into a family. "Both [my husband] and I keep saying it's just amazing how much you can love this little person," marvels Amber Krystallis. "When he wakes me up in the middle of the night, I'm still happy to see him." How many people in your life can you say that about?
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