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Exasperated parents are turning to two reality-TV shows-- "Supernanny" (new on ABC) and "Nanny 911" (which will resume on Fox this spring)--in hopes of getting some pointers on how to rein in their out-of-control kids. But are these modern-day Mary Poppinses doling out good advice? NEWSWEEK asked experts Sally Tannen, director of the Parenting Center at the 92nd Street Y in New York, and Amy Flynn, director of the Family Center at the Bank Street College of Education, to rate the network nannies.
Setting Limits
Nanny Stella from "Nanny 911" confiscates the clothes that a family of five messy school-age children drop on the floor, then institutes a rewards chart to keep the kids in line. Good ideas, but Flynn faults Stella for failing to make her expectations clear. In the real world, you have to spell out the rules and consequences. Supernanny Jo Frost gets it right. She copies out rules in a book and lays them out for three unruly boys (ages 3 to 8) at a family meeting. She also sets up a schedule to keep Mom focused--and the 3-year-old from wandering alone in the street. "These kinds of parameters," says Tannen, "help kids feel loved." And, let's hope, help keep them out of the emergency room.
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Doling Out Discipline
Both nannies dish out a lot of it--most of these kids are hell on wheels. Even so, neither resorts to physical punishment. Stella scores points with our experts when she stops Dad from spanking Junior after the boy has antagonized Big Sis. Frost uses the "Naughty Room" when a 7-year-old kid misbehaves. "I don't like isolating children alone in a room," says Flynn. A timeout in a place where a parent "can maintain some contact," says Tannen, is better.
Sibling Violence
Flynn applauds when Frost teaches parents to get eye level with a bossy 4-year-old and order her, in a low, authoritative tone, to quit slugging her toddler sister. "Eye level is key," says Flynn. Stella gets mixed reviews. Yes, she gives Dad a much-needed scolding after he hollers at his kids for head-butting each other. But Tannen points out that Stella doesn't show him a better way to handle it.
Disruptive Dining
Both nannies get kudos for showing parents how to make mealtimes more peaceful. But our experts cringe when Frost insists a balky eater choke down "just one bite" or face the Naughty Room. "If kids won't eat dinner," says Flynn, "don't fight and don't offer alternatives. Serve food for a reasonable amount of time, then take it away." There's always breakfast.
Talking the Talk
Good communication is key to a happy home. Tannen is shocked that nanny Stella tells Dad his pugilistic 8-year-old is becoming a "juvenile delinquent" while the kid listens in. Junior may be a menace, but such judgments can damage. "You need to tell kids it's their behavior that's unacceptable, not the kid himself," says Tannen. Both nannies get points for teaching parents to deal with bad behavior while addressing the emotions that trigger it, too. "It's a complex process," says Flynn, "that takes more than a prime-time hour. It can take a lifetime." So put down that remote and get busy.
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