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Many of those who responded to our Sept. 13 cover story were familiar with the idea of saying--or not saying--no to their children. One said, "One of the greatest gifts parents can give their child is that of setting limits and creating opportunities to feel disappointment that then can be dealt with in a healthy way." Another asked: "What happened to common sense and parental duty? What kind of parents are we if we don't teach our children that life will never give them everything they want?" Many suggested that kids learn by imitating: "These children are no different from their parents who are overmortgaged and overextended beyond practical means." Finally, a mother of preteens wondered, "Since when did happiness come with a price tag? Kids should learn from their parents that happiness can't be found at the bottom of a Gucci bag or driving around in a Hummer."
I applaud your succinct and articulate examination of the problem of parents who have difficulty saying no when their children want "what everybody else has" ("The Power of No," Sept. 13). As a career educator I repeatedly say to parents that one of the most harmful things you can say to your children is "All I want is for you to be happy." I point out that it is far more essential for parents to be adult enough to say, "Life is going to throw you curveballs, and it is more important that I teach you how to deal with that." You alluded to the fact, but never said, that an important lesson for children is to learn how to deal with peer pressure. If parents give in to their children, for the myriad reasons that you suggested, how will the children ever learn the skill of standing up for principles?
Mary Lou Dillon
Nyack, N.Y.
Nested in your compelling yet profoundly disheartening article was a nugget of truth (touched on in "Experts Weigh In") worthy of more attention: parents, you must be "careful of the sort of role model you are." Since so many adults in our wealthy nation have an entitlement fixation, is it any wonder our kids are following suit? When was the last time our children witnessed us ignoring the Joneses and denying ourselves the adult toys of the 21st century? When have they heard Daddy or Mommy say, "Yeah, I could buy that for myself, but I don't really need it. So I won't." Or even, "You know, Mom and I decided to use the money earmarked for our new larger-than-life TV to help the Smiths have a decent Christmas. Want to chip in?" And finally, what do the kids at Fairview High School, pictured alongside their dream cars, think when homes like the one in your photo are being built by moms and dads in their Boulder, Colo., neighborhoods? Yes, we need to quit focusing on being our children's friends, but we need to start modeling the right behavior as well.
David Croley
Londonderry, N.H.
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A major omission in "The Power of No" was any discussion of the controversial issue of punishment. If contemporary progressive parents don't want to use corporal punishment, don't want to scream at and don't want to criticize their kids when they refuse to take no for answer, what are parents to do to show their child that they mean business? Is there ever to be a real life consequence for acting like a spoiled brat? For these materialistic children, the answer is to take away the perks and privileges of their affluent lifestyle. Simply put, all a parent has to do to have well-behaved children is to make this ultimatum: "If you don't listen to me immediately, there will be no more 24-hour cartoon channel, no more PlayStation, no more Internet, no more iPod, no more McDonald's, etc. Instead you will read books and eat vegetables." Any parents can have well-behaved children overnight if they aren't too guilt-ridden to deny them the pleasures of their affluent lifestyle whenever the children misbehave.
Lawrence Josephs
Professor of Psychology, Adelphi University
Garden City, N.Y.
Dr. Laurence Steinberg says, "If, tomorrow, your child lost all of their material possessions, how unhappy would they be? If devastated, then something is clearly wrong." I strongly disagree. I am 14, and if I were to lose material things such as my pointe shoes, favorite clothes, CDs or violin, I would be devastated. You don't have to be a spoiled brat to form strong connections with favorite items. Certainly, if Steinberg himself were to lose all his material possessions he would feel a sense of loss. Next time, try interviewing more kids. After all, we are the true "experts" in teen behavior.
Rebecca Rolnick
via internet
It is amazing that you found more than half a dozen assorted child experts who agree. Just reject PlayStations and designer jeans, and your child will develop values, learn self-control, be equipped for life's disappointments and be considerate of others. Are we to be cured in childhood of being "wanting machines," and of adult anxiety and depression, by, as Stanford's William Damon suggests, making a difference in the world rather than being overindulged? Do starving children have higher principles? Does being told no from the beginning by well-to-do parents better equip people to cope with life's disappointments, as you suggest? Teaching the young values is essential, but is it done by well-off people pretending not to have money? If it is true that "too much love won't spoil a child but too few limits will," is that the answer for which we search? Are spending money and having worthwhile standards incompatible? The idea that all will be well if you just say no to extravagance is a little like Nancy Reagan's campaign to "Just say no" to drugs. If only life were that simple.
William S. Appleton, M.D.
Cambridge, Mass.
You know how I say no? "No." Do my kids have lots of stuff? Sure. Did they get it because they wore me down? Nope. I don't need any "village's" telling me what I can and can't give my kids. I have rules and limits in my house, lots and lots of them. I give when I want and get great pleasure out of it. If you know how to set limits, you won't have to worry so much about the symptom (too much stuff) rather than the cure (say no and yes when you want).
Joanne A. Sarasin
Highland Park, Ill.
I'm an old guy, and what I remember about my childhood bedroom is not the gadgetry but the people who visited me there: a doctor's making a house call and tossing wisdom to me over the foot of the bed; Dad's sitting on my desk telling me that the assault puberty rendered upon my body parts was normal; a buddy's telling me that there were other "fish in the sea" when my girlfriend told me to get lost; Mom's assuring me as I lay there writhing in pain that my stiff neck was not polio; Dad's sticking his head in and telling me that I played a whale of a game. This is more important and more lasting than "stuff." And another thing--why is it that you always consult psychologists and not theologians when it comes to raising kids? Thirty years ago psychologists were teaching us to say yes. Now they are teaching us to say no. Theologians are at least consistent; they stick to the texts to help parents overcome the evils of self-indulgence.
Bill Lenters
Rockford, Ill.
My parents' greatest wish was for their two children to grow up to be happy, self-sufficient adults. If you raise kids right, they won't grow up lamenting the lack of the latest iPods, videogames or luxury cars. Rather, they'll grow up remembering the values of love, compassion and self-sufficiency. I'm a 22-year-old college student, raised in a wealthy family where I didn't receive every single thing I wanted, and I feel blessed to have those decidedly unsuperficial values bestowed upon me by wise and loving parents.
Dayna Sterkowitz
Naperville, Ill.
Despite the rising tide of consumption in America, there is also a rising tide of people questioning whether more "stuff" leads to more happiness. People in the Voluntary Simplicity Movement are stepping off the work-and-spend treadmill one family at a time. As a jumping-off point for parents wishing to model the capacity for consumptive restraint, try observing National Buy Nothing Day on Nov. 26. Parents may be able to monitor and limit a child's television viewing, but with the proliferation of viral marketing, product placement, licensing agreements, Internet pop-up ads and, perhaps most disturbing, marketing in schools, parents cannot go it alone. Fortunately, child-advocacy groups such as Commercial Alert and Stop Commercial Exploitation of Children have far-reaching legislative goals, including a parents' bill of rights and banning television advertising to children under 12. This is not a parental problem; it is a societal problem.
Susan Donohoe
Dedham, Mass.
It's a good thing that so many parents today love catering to their child's every whim no matter what the price. By raising children who have little concept of the value of anything, or the capacity to understand what it takes to earn things for themselves, these parents have guaranteed that their children will continue to count on them for everything they need for the remainder of their natural lives.
Jon Anderson
New York, N.Y.
I found humor in the notion that today's parents were raised on the important values of "thrift and self-sacrifice." As a result, the article suggests, we parents are struggling to set limits with self-centered, out-of-control children. Who are we kidding? This generation of parents grew up on the tail end of the hippie and sexual revolutions, with drugs, rock and roll--not to mention that in the '80s, affluence and materialism were quite in vogue. Aren't we the ones who are highly mobile, relishing that next step up the ladder of affluence? Aren't we the ones who overuse our credit cards? And how about those cell phones, big-screen TVs, new computers and cameras that we own with pride? Perhaps we as parents should first struggle to put limits on our own adult lifestyles. Once we have control of them, maybe setting limits for our children will be much easier.
Jerry Dowdall
Marriage and Family Therapist
Upland, Calif.
You say psychologists believe that "parents who overindulge their kids may actually be setting them up to be more vulnerable to future anxiety and depression." Having just returned from the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence conference in Washington, I learned of a fact that should concern every parent: according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, adolescents ages 12 to 17 admitted for substance-abuse treatment increased 65 percent between 1992 and 2002. Any child without set limits will push those limits for the rest of his life, which can result in devastating consequences, if he doesn't understand boundaries. If these parents are unable to say no to an iPod, where will they summon the needed tools to address their child's pushing new limits with drugs or alcohol? Exposure through volunteer work, for the entire family, to those who do struggle each and every day to fight off actual poverty, addiction and decaying schools is the first step in attaining values where they may not currently exist. Only then can we steer adolescents away from more dangerous crossings as an escape from future anxiety or depression.
Michael Bolger
Naples, Fla.
Amid layoffs, downsizings, out-sourcings and HMOs with higher premiums, where the heck are these parents coming up with all this money they're spending spoiling their children?
Stephen V. Gilmore
Charlotte, N.C.
The Republicans in New York
The Republican National Convention was the most negative I've seen (" 'I Will Never Relent in Defending America... Whatever It Takes'," Sept. 13). Republicans control all three branches of government, so why are they so angry? Are they angry that Osama bin Laden is still at large? That the Patriot Act has yet to bring a single terrorist to justice? That Afghanistan is slipping back into the hands of warlords while we bleed in Iraq? That worldwide terrorism is on the rise because President Bush's arrogance has deprived us of the international cooperation required to destroy Al Qaeda? No, these are the reasons that millions of Americans are angry. Republicans must be enraged that Americans might hold them accountable at the ballot box.
Stephanie Dray
Owings Mills, Md.
As a protester in two of the New York City demonstrations held the weekend before the convention, I was disappointed by NEWSWEEK's choice of negative pictures and inflammatory descriptions in your Sept. 13 issue. My husband, our two school-age children and I went to New York to express our frustration at and disapproval with many of the policies of the Bush administration. We, like the overwhelming majority with us, did so peacefully and proudly, as U.S. patriots exercising our First Amendment rights. We had no fury; we did not scream; we were not violent. We gathered with other like-minded people to represent the great faction of our country that truly stands for freedom, human rights and peace.
Daphne Dodson
Summit, N.J.
Faith and Politics
As an evangelical Christian, I am deeply disturbed by my fellow evangelicals' uncritical embrace of President Bush and the Republican Party as evidenced in Melinda Henneberger's Sept. 13 article, "Tending to the Flock." We evangelicals spend so much time and energy trying to assert our "rights" and elect people "like us" that we have little to offer when it comes to defending the rights of others, people whom Jesus called "the least among you." If we read Scripture without the help of right-wing ideology, we see that Jesus was much more concerned about caring for the poor than about banning gay marriage or abortion. In accepting an amputated Gospel that involves only our own personal relationship with God, we have compromised our ability to critique both political parties through the eyes of Biblical faith.
Chris Beers
Durham, N.C.
As special assistants to the president for religious outreach in the Clinton administration, we were surprised to read of Susan Gibbs, a spokeswoman for the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, regarding the White House religious outreach, stating that during the Clinton administration, "we never knew who it was or had their number." Had she spoken with her boss, Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, or the leadership and staff at the U.S. Catholic Conference, she would have learned that the Clinton administration regularly consulted with the then Archbishop McCarrick, the U.S. Catholic Conference, NETWORK, Catholic Charities USA and other Roman Catholic advocacy groups, as well as individual nuns and priests, on a wide range of international and domestic social issues including debt relief, refugees, religious freedom, health care, housing, migrants, welfare reform, Kosovo and East Timor. We were honored to work for President Clinton with Catholics and the broad-based faith communities on the many issues of concern to them both at home and abroad.
Flo McAfee and Maureen Shea
Washington, D.C.
Tragedy in Russia
More than 300 people died in Beslan, Russia, almost twice the number (and at least as many children) of those who died in the Oklahoma City bombing, and you give the story fewer than 60 words in a photo caption (Periscope, Sept. 13)? That's a shameful lack of coverage and a horrible reflection of U.S. egocentrism.
Carol Barnard
Rockville, Md.
In your photo caption about the tragedy in Beslan, you say, "Fighters had seized students, parents and teachers..." These debased creatures are not fighters. They are terrorists. Please do not dignify them by calling them fighters.
Judith L. Condon
Jacksonville, Fla.
Correction
In "The Power Of No" we misspelled the surname of a young woman we interviewed. Her name is Jenn Andrlik, not Andrlick. NEWSWEEK regrets the error.
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