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By Alyce Collins and Renia Goral
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While many people might lament being single in their thirties, I loved my life back then. I had a great career, enjoyed traveling and went wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
It’s only when I look back that I realize I was just living in the moment rather than with any real intention.
I was in three long-term relationships, one that lasted nine years, one for six years, and the third was two-and-a-half years. When the third relationship ended, I was 37 and single again. This time, rather than jumping into another relationship, I decided to spend time on myself.
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I started asking questions I'd never previously considered. Who am I? What do I want? What are my values? What would I regret not doing?
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Some people grow up with a vision of what they want when they’re older. Marriage, kids, the big house, you name it, they have it mapped out. But I was never particularly maternal. I didn’t dream of having babies, doing the school run or being a soccer mom.
Sure, I thought maybe one day it might happen, but it wasn’t something I desperately wanted. I didn't want to have a baby just for the sake of having one. I wanted to build a happy, loving home with the right person.
One day, while I was walking home from work, something shifted. I walked past this man carrying his baby in a carrier and it felt so lovely and wholesome. I felt this sudden longing for that life. It was this minuscule moment, but it changed my entire mindset.
'I Was Approaching 40 Without the Family I Imagined'
Being single again at 37 was a real turning point for me. I’d spent so much of my adult life in relationships, and suddenly, I was approaching 40 without the partner or family I imagined having by that point.
But rather than rushing into another relationship simply because of my age, I wanted to understand myself first. I realized that if I kept choosing relationships without being clear about what I wanted, I could end up repeating the same patterns.
I met all three of my previous long-term partners in person, but with the pandemic, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. So, in 2021, I decided to take the leap and downloaded the dating app, Bumble. I liked that women make the first move.
Valentine’s Day rolled around that year and, as many of my friends were celebrating with their partners, I was at home, alone. But then my phone pinged and something flashed up.
“You have one new match!”
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Intrigued, I opened the notification from Bumble and there he was: Sam.
Since it was Valentine’s Day, I cheekily messaged Sam and asked him to send me a poem. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but to my amazement, he sent one. I thought it was so sweet and it instantly made me smile.
Sam and I started messaging, and that turned into regular video calls, and eventually, we met in person. I could tell from the start that he was romantic, thoughtful and sincere.
The biggest difference with Sam was that I never had to guess where I stood. I'd experienced relationships where someone would say one thing and do something completely different. With Sam, his words and actions always matched.
On our first date, we spoke about things I'd never properly discussed with previous partners, even after years together. We talked about marriage, children, finances, beliefs and what we wanted from life. Not exactly the most romantic first-date conversation, but I was done going into relationships blindly.
He'd play classical guitar, sing to me, cook delicious meals and bring me flowers. And the best part? He still does all that. At times, I felt like I was in a fairy tale.
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Sam already had a young daughter from a previous relationship. I'd never imagined myself dating someone with a child but seeing what a devoted father he was made me fall for him even more.
It's wild to think of it now, but within three months, I knew Sam was the one. I met his daughter after around five months, and building a relationship with her became just as important as building one with Sam.
Then eight months after meeting on Bumble, Sam and I moved in together.
'Excitement Turned Into Heartbreak'
We dated for just over a year when he proposed on May 2, 2022. Did I mention that was also my fortieth birthday? It couldn’t have been a more beautiful time.
We were on vacation and I mentioned that I'd love to wake up early and watch the sunrise on the beach. So, on my birthday, we got up while it was still dark and headed down to the beach.
I remember Sam acting a little strangely and seeming distracted, but I had absolutely no idea what he was up to. Eventually, he suggested we stand on this particular rock, which I thought was odd. The next thing I knew, he was down on one knee with a ring. I was so shocked that I honestly can't remember what he said. But of course, it was a yes!
After being single at 37, I never expected to be happily engaged at 40.
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I was so excited to start planning our wedding, but given mine and Sam’s ages, we decided to focus on starting a family first. So, I came off the contraceptive pill, and we started trying.
I was quite naive about how quickly it would happen because I was so confident everything would work out. In reality, it was many months before I finally saw that first positive pregnancy test, but when I did, we were absolutely over the moon. I instantly started looking into hospitals, appointments and everything else that came with being pregnant.
Sadly, that excitement turned into heartbreak when I began spotting and cramping.
My first miscarriage was on my birthday in 2023, and I remember the day so clearly. Sam had taken me to a lovely restaurant, and I suddenly started experiencing severe cramps and heavy bleeding. We ended up at A&E, and I was eventually told I'd miscarried. I chose to let the pregnancy pass naturally, which took around 10 days.
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It was an incredibly difficult experience, both physically and emotionally.
I became pregnant again around October of that year, but sadly, that too ended in loss. I was heartbroken all over again and I couldn’t stop my mind racing.
I suffered a third loss at the end of December 2023. Three losses in such a short space of time was something I never imagined we'd have to face. I was so frightened that the same thing would happen again and again. I wondered how many times I could put myself through this.
I felt anxious, upset and constantly found myself searching for answers. But still, even at my lowest, I never lost hope.
Of course, I had difficult days, but I never stopped believing that one day we would have our beautiful baby. Sometimes mindset is all you have, and I was determined to protect mine.
I still cried, worried and felt completely overwhelmed. But I wanted to do everything within my power to understand what was happening. After my third loss, I met a wonderful GP who took the time to listen. She asked whether thyroid problems ran in my family, which I'd never even thought about.
That led to a blood test which revealed I did in fact have an underactive thyroid. It was a huge turning point, and as a result, I was prescribed medication and progesterone. I spent a lot of time learning about nutrition, supplements and preparing for pregnancy.
By the time I got pregnant a fourth time, I had a whole new level of confidence and hope, even after everything we'd been through. For the first time, I wasn't just waiting and hoping. I was becoming informed and building a plan.
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Seeing that fourth positive pregnancy test was completely different to the first. I ran upstairs to tell Sam, but this time, we didn’t jump around with excitement. After three losses, you don't know whether you're allowed to be happy. I desperately wanted to be pregnant, but more than anything, I wanted to stay pregnant and bring our baby home.
We were both hopeful, but cautious.
Every scan was nerve-racking, because after pregnancy loss you know that a positive test doesn't automatically mean everything will be OK. But by around five months, I finally started allowing myself to feel excited and enjoy being pregnant.
Then in 2024, our beautiful rainbow baby was born. I remember lying on the operating table during my C-section and suddenly hearing this little sound. After everything we'd been through, hearing him cry for the first time was extraordinary.
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'Life Doesn't Happen on the Timeline You Expect'
At the age of 42, I couldn’t be happier to become a boy mom. Don’t get me wrong, it is exhausting and chaotic, but so wonderful.
Life now looks completely different from my thirties. There's less time for myself, but so much joy in watching my little boy grow. After putting our wedding plans on hold to focus on having a family, Sam and I have that chapter to look forward to.
My life certainly hasn't happened in the order I imagined, but I wouldn't change where I am today. I was single at 37, met my partner at 38, got engaged at 40 and became a mom at 42 after three losses.
There were moments when I could never have imagined how things would turn out, but one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that life doesn't always happen on the timeline you expect.
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To any other women going through pregnancy loss or struggling to conceive, don't be afraid to ask questions, speak up or seek a second opinion. Staying calm and firm matters, even when emotions are running high.
For any woman who thinks life is passing her by, let my story to be a glimpse of what's possible. Remember, your life doesn't have to follow anyone else's timeline.
Renia Goral, 44, resides in London, U.K., with her husband Sam and their son. Before becoming a parent, she worked as a recruitment consultant and spent time traveling, socializing and keeping fit. She began sharing her motherhood journey on social media to connect with other women going through pregnancy loss or trying to conceive.
Contact Newsweek editors on this story: Charlotte Nisbet and Emma Lee-Sang
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