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By Amy Grosso
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August 22, 2024, will mark 26 years since I lost my mother to suicide, just a day after my 19th birthday. Back in August 1998, discussions about mental health were seldom open, and the stigma surrounding suicide was pervasive.
Over the years, a significant concern of mine has been how to not only share the incredible essence of my mother with those dear to me, but also not hiding the fact she died by suicide.
This concern became most pressing over 11 years ago when I was expecting my son. I often pondered how I would introduce him to a grandmother he never had the chance to meet—a woman who loved me intensely yet had a complex story.
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How could I convey that she loved me, but that I would not leave him?
One day, while my husband and his mom were sorting through items in the garage, I found myself at the kitchen table, answering emails as our four-year-old son played nearby.
Suddenly, my husband handed me a notebook: It was my mother's journal from the summer before her suicide.
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I was overcome with emotion. Her handwritten words from her battle with depression and suicidal thoughts stirred deep emotions in me, and through tears, I shared this discovery with my husband.
In that moment, our son inquired about my mother, prompting a heartfelt conversation where I explained her illness and showed him a picture of her.
As he observed the image, and laughed at my '80s hair, I highlighted the similarities between him and his grandmother, like their shared left-handedness. We went back to our own activities until he looked at me and said: "I love you, Mom."
What I initially feared as a difficult conversation turned out to be a source of unexpected healing. Witnessing my son's tender affection and revisiting my mother's pre-passing thoughts through the lens of my motherhood allowed me to comprehend her aspirations to be the nurturing figure I needed.
Reading her reflections, I recognized her struggles and her enduring desire to shield me from harm. Her words reminded me of her love for me, as my son expressed his love.
My journey of coping, following the loss of my mother to suicide, has been a winding road. Despite its complexities, moments of healing emerge and lead to a new normal without the physical presence of my mother.
A pivotal point in my grief journey was the year my sister and I chose to participate in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's (AFSP) Overnight Walk, held in Dallas. It marked our first public endeavor dedicated to honoring our late mother.
Engaging in this event connected us with a community that understood our experience without the need for verbal explanations and celebrated the lives of loved ones, shifting the focus away from the circumstances of their passing.
Participating in the walk brought about significant changes in my life, including sparking my involvement in the Central Texas chapter of AFSP.
My husband and I made attending community walks a regular practice, often accompanied by our son. We explained to him, in age-appropriate terms, the purpose behind our participation: To ensure nobody felt alone.
Suicide remains a topic that many prefer to keep in the shadows. Over the course of 26 years navigating my grief following my mother's passing, I've delved deeper into understanding and educating myself on suicide.
Contrary to the myth that discussing suicide plants the idea in someone's head, I have come to realize that open conversations about mental health and suicide can actually encourage individuals to seek help.
For those who haven't faced the loss of a loved one to suicide, it can be challenging to know how to support someone who has. They can experience profound grief or struggle with suicidal thoughts themselves.
In such situations, I believe taking action, no matter how small, is more beneficial than remaining passive. Here are a few tips for offering support in such circumstances.
- Practice patience and empathy. Since suicide can be surrounded by stigma, it's crucial to listen without judgment and offer compassion to those struggling with their mental health.
- Avoid attempting to relate by sharing similar experiences. While it may be well-intentioned, such responses often fall short of providing comfort. Instead, prioritize creating a safe space for individuals to express their emotions freely.
- Respect the privacy of those affected by suicide. Refrain from prying into the details of what transpired. Suicide is deeply personal, and it should be at the discretion of the individual to share information. While you can express your openness to listen, avoid asking intrusive questions that may hinder open communication.
- Sit with those who are hurting. Rather than trying to solve someone's struggles or offering generic advice, acknowledge their emotions and simply be present with them in their distress. Avoid cliches or unsolicited advice, as these responses can inadvertently alienate the individual from opening up to you.
- Replace judgment with understanding and compassion in the aftermath of a suicide loss. Support those grieving by offering care rather than criticism, both publicly and privately.
- Avoid attributing blame after a suicide. To effectively assist individuals coping with such a loss, discussions should steer clear of assigning blame.
- Encourage conversations about the person lost. Contrary to the misconception that mentioning the deceased will intensify grief, acknowledging their memory provides an opportunity for loved ones to openly express their emotions and memories.
- Extend practical assistance proactively. Recognize that individuals may struggle to seek help or articulate their needs immediately following a suicide loss. Offer specific support like running errands, assisting with childcare, or simply being present. Repeatedly extend concrete offers of help to demonstrate sincerity and ease the burden of asking for assistance.
- Practice patience throughout the grieving process. Understand that each person's journey is unique, and there is no set timeline for healing. Resist the urge to rush individuals through their grief, as pushing for closure prematurely can hinder the healing process and strain your relationship with the person in sorrow.
- Maintain your presence and support over time. While initial support following a suicide loss is crucial, ongoing struggles and new facets of grief may emerge in the days, months, and years ahead. Stay connected by checking in regularly, especially during significant dates like birthdays or holidays, to show support.
Over the last few years, our Central Texas Chapter has expanded our Healing Conversations program that connects someone who has lost a loved one to suicide with trained volunteers who are also survivors of suicide loss.
This has been critical for those who have lost a loved one and need someone they can talk to about their experience in the weeks and months following the loss. We are not only helping those who have lost someone in the grieving process, we are also providing them an avenue to start to heal.
I often wonder what it would have been like if there had been events for International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day or the Healing Conversations program back when my mom died. I wonder if I would not have felt so alone with my grief and my shame.
I don't want anyone to feel isolated when they grieve a loved one lost to suicide. There is a community that understands what you are going through and is here to support you. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to live in shame.
I want people to know you can learn how to survive and also thrive.
Amy Grosso is a member of the Chapter Leadership Council for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
All views expressed are the author's own.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text "988" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.
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