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A post about a woman whose boyfriend revealed he hit on his partner "because he knew he would never have a chance with" her friend has gone viral on Reddit, where it had received over 11,000 upvotes at the time of writing.
In a previous post shared in the Am I The A****** (AITA) subforum under the username Uninvited_1011, the friend said the woman (Kate) asked her if she would don a "frumpy" look to a 30th birthday party being held for Kate's boyfriend Jamie.
According to the poster, Kate said she "really didn't want to be outshone at her own boyfriend's birthday party" and that "she wanted Jamie's full attention that night."
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In an update in her latest post, the user said Jamie revealed that on a recent night out, when Kate asked why he hit on her rather than the user when they first met, "one of his friends joked that it was because he knew he didn't have a shot with 'the hot one,'" referring to the user.
Speaking to Newsweek, the original poster said: "I will no longer be going to the party...I don't really have anything left to say to Jamie and nothing to Kate beyond telling her I won't be coming."
The poster, who did not give her name, said that Jamie, who had planned to propose to Kate at his birthday party, is no longer doing so. "As far as I know...he still plans to propose, he is just waiting until their relationship is in a more stable place."
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Several Redditors were understanding of Kate's need to impose the dress code. Many were critical of Jamie's behavior and some might even count it as bordering on infidelity.
But licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) John Sovec told Newsweek that it's "important for all the parties involved to realize this is just an attraction not a betrayal."
In a December 2018 blog post for the Institute for Family Studies (IFS), Wendy Wang, the director of research at the IFS and a former senior researcher at Pew Research Center, said: "In general, men are more likely than women to cheat."
According to national data collected in 2019 by the survey research group YouGov, which was sponsored by the Wheatley Institution, men are more likely to report ever having engaged in an extramarital affair. The survey found that 20 percent of men who were ever married and 10 percent of ever-married women reported cheating on their spouse in the past.
The user in the latest post said she had told Jamie about Kate's dress code request and he then explained what had happened on that night out when they were talking about how they met their partners.
According to the poster, Jamie said "he did notice me that night and thought I was attractive," but "he would never have approached me because he knew he would never have a chance with someone like me..."
He then said "speaking to Kate was the absolute best outcome because he loves her and plans on spending the rest of his life with her."
Jamie said he'd wanted the poster to be at the party, as he was planning to propose to Kate. "But after hearing this on top of the way she has been handling the situation previously, he won't be doing that anymore," the poster said.
The poster told Newsweek: "Kate does know I told Jamie about the dress code, she also knows Jamie told me about what happened with his friends."
After speaking to Jamie, the poster called Kate, who admitted that she had "tied a lot of her self worth in the fact that she'd finally been picked" over the poster.
Kate said she wasn't sure she would be able to have the poster in her life as much as she had been, given the way she's feeling.
"I'm really sad that I've probably lost a longtime friend over the drunken awkwardness of other people, but I also get that Kate can't help how she feels, and frankly it's for the best not to be in a secret competition," said the poster, who initially decided to still attend the party before deciding to skip it.
'This Is Just an Attraction Not a Betrayal'
Sovec, who is an LMFT based in Pasadena, California, said it's "more than normal" for people in relationships to feel attracted to and notice other people.
He said: "This doesn't mean we are going to hook up or cheat on our partner, it is just an honest admission of our humanity. This can be a challenging moment in any relationship, to hear a partner confess attraction to another, but it is also important for all the parties involved to realize this is just an attraction not a betrayal."
When this attraction interferes in a friendship, it's important for friends to be honest with each other and talk about the feelings and insecurities that come up, he added.
Focus on Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth
Bill Gladwell, a hypnosis, influence and persuasion expert, told Newsweek that "Jamie's drunken confession may have fueled Kate's insecurities, but it's essential to focus on rebuilding trust instead of dwelling on past mistakes."
He said Kate's demand for the poster to change her wardrobe is "an unhealthy approach," as it puts the responsibility of managing her insecurities on the poster. Gladwell advised that Kate should instead "work on her self-worth and trust in her relationship with Jamie."
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'Take a Step Back' From the Relationship
Jacqueline Fae, a relationship expert, author and the CEO/founder of the IDL Match Club, a matchmaking service, told Newsweek that aside from rebuilding the friendship with the poster, Kate needs to "truly take a step back and reevaluate her relationship with Jamie."
Fae said "you should never ever talk about another person in front of your significant other, especially in regards to their looks and how attractive they are...as it's hurtful and creates an open wound that is incredibly difficult to heal."
The relationship expert added: "Clearly Jamie and Kate need to work on their own relationship...if they really want this to work they truly need to start making some changes whether that is facing their intimacy issues or communication skills."
'You Did Nothing Wrong'
The latest post has sparked debate on Reddit, with several users expressing support for Kate and the original poster but criticizing Jamie.
In a comment that got 3,500 upvotes, user FlatWhiteGirl93: "This is heartbreaking for Kate. You [the original poster] did nothing wrong...but I can't imagine hearing your partner say that would be an easy thing to get over, especially if she's insecure..."
Passionabsorber1111 wrote: "yeah i felt so bad for Kate after reading this update...," in a comment that got 1,100 upvotes.
User queen_of_mayhem wrote: "This is so sad. On your first post, I was against Kate, but now that I learned all this new info I think Jamie is the absolute a****** of this story...he did practically confess to going after Kate as a second fiddle...I would be destroyed if my partner said that to me..."
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