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By Daniella Gray
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Father's Day can be a poignant and challenging holiday for single moms, and it can feel like there's no escaping it.
Society's emphasis on a traditional family unit can serve as a reminder of an absent partner, whether due to divorce, separation, abandonment or other circumstances, which can make single moms feel like they're under the spotlight.
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Moms who parent alone often have to navigate their own emotions while comforting and supporting their children—a delicate balancing act.
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In 2023 there were just over 15 million children (about twice the population of New Jersey) living with a single mother in the U.S..
Lucy Dartford, a single mom to six-year-old Zuri, made the difficult decision to become a single parent to protect and give her daughter the best start in life.
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She explains the Father's Day traditions, such as making cards at school or friends saying "Happy Father's Day," can bring up anxieties around how Zuri is feeling.
"It brings up slight pangs of nervousness about how she's managing all these narratives alongside feelings of guilt; that I should somehow have a father figure for her."
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This is all too common for single moms, as the day can amplify the pressure to fulfill both roles and stir feelings of frustration as they reflect on their situation and what could have been.
Marika Lindholm, founder of the social platform ESME (a website dedicated to Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere) and co-editor of the new book Between Us: Healing Ourselves and Changing the World Through Sociology, recognizes the challenges of having to go above and beyond to compensate for the missing parent.
After going through a painful divorce, she found herself as a solo mom to two kids, juggling work and family life.
"When the kids are really young, it's kind of the mom's responsibility to set the tone.
"I know some moms create rituals around the day, like going to the zoo, but then they also have to be cognizant when they get to the zoo, their kids might be seeing all these other kids with their dads, so I think they're walking carefully trying to respect the kids and work out the best scenario."
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Dartford, who is the Founder of communications consultancy We Are Lucy, said Father's Day isn't ignored in their world, but she and Zuri take certain steps to consider other perspectives.
"At Zuri's age, I don't hide anything from her, and I keep a very open narrative," she explains.
"I don't go into too much detail around the behaviors or the lead-up to the decision to protecting her, but we talk about being safe, supportive, loved and what that looks like."
Stephanie Manes, a single mother, family therapist, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who teaches at Columbia University, advises asking your children how they feel about the day, as these feelings can change from year to year.
"If you're a single parent by choice or if your kids have two mothers, be prepared to have more conversations about their own origin and to give them a way to think about the meaning of father in your own family.
"No matter what, just listen and validate. If they ask questions, try to answer in a straightforward but age-appropriate way."
One particular book that Dartford said really helped was The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman, which she said was "incremental" in navigating Father's Day.
In preparation for this Sunday, Dartford also spoke to her daughter's school and asked if they could be mindful of the situation and not put so much emphasis on having to write a card for a dad.
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"I've got some amazing male friends in my life who are fantastic dads and Zuri sees that; she has play dates with their children.
"I surround Zuri with remarkable role models who I can also call my friends."
Lindholm says having other male role models is an excellent mechanism for single moms on Father's Day.
"Father's Day can be an opportunity to honor the other men in your life," she says.
"Male role models can be uncles, grandfathers, coaches or others who aren't part of your kids' daily lives.
"I also know other moms who have created their own rituals, and one example comes from an article on ESME, where the children's father had died, so they do all the things he used to love to do, such as put on a jersey and watch the soccer and eat Vegemite."
Dartford is familiar with this reframing and uses Father's Day to celebrate the unique bond she has with Zuri.
On the day itself, they'll be celebrating with Zuri's grandfather. "It will be a day of support, love, nourishment, all the all the good stuff. I know that my sister will also come and bring me flowers and wish me a happy Father's Day," says Dartford.
Dartford is also into her fitness, so they'll also be participating in the Turf Games (and Turf Kids for Zuri)—a team-based competitive fitness event in London.
"There's something quite interesting about what might be considered a bit of a stereotypical man's job on the actual day," muses Dartford.
"But Zuri will be there, cheering me on lifting weights."
Naturally, Dartford dedicates her whole life to ensuring that Zuri's well-being is taken care of and admitted that she often puts herself last: "I have to be gentle on myself and be aware that things look different for us, but that doesn't mean it's bad."
Lindholm can relate. As a mom of five (Marika has two children with her ex-husband and three children with her current spouse, two of whom are adopted), she understands the never-ending balance.
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"Women who parent on their own are sleep deprived, work too hard and do everything for their kids 24/7, and maybe this is the moment they say, 'wow, look what I've done this past year' look how much I've accomplished and what a great mother I am."
Manes reassures single moms that it's OK to want self-recognition "for how tough it can be to fulfill maternal and paternal function.
"Do something special for yourself, even if it's carving out an hour to take a walk-cry.
"If you have other single mother friends, find something fun to do together. Nothing is stopping you from making your own kind of party."
Father's Day for single moms isn't just about coping and getting through the day. It's about celebrating the unique journey they are on.
By creating new traditions, seeking support and maintaining open communication, single moms can navigate the complexities of the day with grace and strength.
Dartford said: "I've made a decision for the protection, development and safety of my daughter, and we may not fit in with the standard Father's Day, but I know that this will pay off in the long run because she'll have a stable future."
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