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By Lydia Patrick
Life & Trends Reporter
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A woman has offered a 'life-changing theory" to apply to dating, which involves emotional detachment from your love interest, calling it "hard but necessary for me."
The popular TikToker, who posts under the handle @abefroman, shared the concept, which has been coined the "let them theory" in a video which amassed 4.6 million views.
Mel Robbins, a podcast host and author, originally pioneered the "let them practice" on her podcast in May 2023, which is essentially letting people in your life do what they want, without seeing their actions as a reflection of yourself.
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It is the idea of detaching yourself from other people's actions in an attempt to relinquish any emotion over how they choose to behave.
Two dating experts, Sabrina Alexis Bendory from New York City and Sabrina Zohar from Los Angeles, gave Newsweek their different thoughts on what this "theory" means. Bendory highlighted the freeing notion of letting other people's thoughts and behaviors go. Zohar refuted the principle, saying it is unnecessary theorization of human behavior and of learning to overcome discomfort and anxiety. She instead advocates for seeing people for how they treat you.
What Is the Theory?
Dating coach and author Bendory retraced the origins of the theory to Mel Robbins, a podcaster and author, describing it as a liberating way to take control of your love life.
TikToker @abefroman said in the video: "The 'let them theory' is truly the only theory to practice in life.
"Because what you understand through experiences is that you can never make anybody do anything that they don't wanna do.
"And people will always default to their own wants, their own needs, their own patterns of behavior."
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She explained the mindset practice as accepting you cannot change how other people treat you, and freeing yourself from attaching your self-worth to how others treat you.
The TikToker added: "The sooner you are able to understand that and free yourself from overthinking and believing that you have more power over people than you do, is when you actually get to enjoy relationships."
Detachment is not about not caring for someone or loving them; rather, it is accepting you have power over nobody but yourself and divorcing yourself from expectations you have of others, she said.
What Do the Experts Say?
Bendory agreed with the notion and told Newsweek: "That's the problem so many of us have—we interpret other people's behavior as meaning something about us.
"If a guy ghosts you...it must mean you're an unworthy loser and are going to end up alone. If your friends don't invite you out, then it must mean they don't really like you."
The dating coach advised that in life you should take complete responsibility for things within your control and let go of anxiety about everything that falls outside of that realm.
She said: "If you attach your sense of worth to outcomes, you will live life at the mercy of other people. If you just let them do what they want and only take responsibility for yourself, you will grow."
Bendory, who is now married, looked back at her own dating experiences when she was desperate to get a man she liked to like her back and a friend told her, "You can't win them all."
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"It hit me like a gut punch...but I also was able to just let go after that. It wasn't personal, there was no fatal flaw within me. He wasn't interested and I just let that be what it was," she added.
However Zohar, a dating coach and podcaster, does not agree with the categorization of "letting them" as a theory.
Instead, she advised that people learn how to manage their individual anxieties and see people for how they treat you rather than how you envision them.
She said: "My issue is that everybody loves the self-identification—everything is a theory, it's buttoned up with a bow.
"Everything has to have something to make them feel more belonged. At the end of the day there is no theory here about this, this is just human behavior and psychology. This whole 'let them theory,' what's the theory behind it?"
But she advised that people stop trying to change others and to instead see people for how they treat you.
"Let people show up as they are, so you can also show up as you are—and then both of you can decide if you reciprocate and communicate and want the same things in life, and both of you can decide if you choose each other," she said.
Often when people become attached and get caught up in the anxious whirlwind of being enamored they don't stop to see the reality of the person they like, she added.
"Manage your own anxiety and learn to sit in discomfort so you can learn how other people show up authentically and allow them to do so," she said.
Update 06/24/24, 10:12 a.m. ET: This article was updated with additional information.
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