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By Jenni Fink
Senior Editor
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Until I became a mom, no one would ever describe me as a "chill" person. When I say I'm not "chill," I mean I need 5-7 business days to adjust to plans changing. I don't go to restaurants that don't take reservations because it stresses me out. If you want to invite me on vacation, give me at least an 8-month lead time so I can wrap my mind around going.
Preparing to be a mom, I was really nervous that my anxiety would get the best of me. Yes, I go to therapy. And yes, I've been on beta blockers before, so I'm well aware that most of the time anxiety isn't a choice. You either have it or you don't. But just because you have anxiety most of the time doesn't mean you have to be an anxious mom. You just have to stop focusing on things that really don't matter.
Before we get to the story, here’s a quick welcome to Mildly Maternal: Diary of a Work In Progress Mom, a weekly check-in on how life is going as a new mom who wasn't sure she wanted to be a mom until she was told she couldn't get pregnant. If you’re not already following me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook, here’s a brief introduction.
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I’m a 34-year-old woman living in New York City with a 15-month-old and I am really making my own rules for being a mom because I know nothing. As in, I never even held a baby before having a baby of my own (I know, I think my parenting scares my mom sometimes).
I spent my entire pregnancy purposefully not planning what kind of mom I was going to be. I read no books, I learned nothing about the various methods of sleep, and had no idea how many choices there were when it came to baby formula. When it came to my kid, I knew I was either going to be anxious about everything or I could be anxious about nothing. I decided nothing was better than everything.
To fight this anxiety, I didn't let myself care too much about any of the million things that society tells you are critical that you obsess over as a mom.
Once your social media algorithm shifts to mom and baby content, you'll be flooded with people telling you what you should do and when. And they'll warn you that if you don't do this very specific thing at a very specific time, your child is doomed to a lifetime of mediocrity and misery.
Some videos will tell you about the dangers of using formula, and others will warn you that you'll never feel your body is yours if you breastfeed. You'll be told how important tummy time is because if you don't start training them the second the umbilical cord falls off, how will your baby ever learn to hold their head up or crawl?
It doesn't matter if you co-sleep, rock your baby to sleep, or do sleep training and let your baby cry it out. Everyone thinks they did it perfectly, and you will be told that any method other than the one they used will permanently damage your child.
Is your baby not hitting a milestone exactly when someone on social media thinks they should? Time to panic because it's probably something that if you don't act right now, you'll ruin your kid's life.
It doesn't end there. Thanks to social media and Google, you can dissect and twist every decision you make as a mom until you're so turned around, you're riddled with anxiety about making the wrong choice.
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Of course, there are times to worry. There are times as a mom you notice something's just not right with your child, and picking up on those warning signs can make a huge difference. But, worrying about something because someone on social media told you that you should worry, isn't a healthy way to live.
A calm house doesn't guarantee a calm baby. But a tense house is a pretty surefire way to ensure your baby is anxious. They know nothing about the world, so they use your energy as a guide to know if they're safe or in danger. Me being anxious signals to my baby there's something to fear, even in our own home.
So instead of focusing on being perfect at tummy time, and sleep, and feeding and socializing and stimulation and independent play and bonding and self-soothing, I focus on only one thing.
And that's making sure that my son feels safe, loved and secure.
I have no idea if my mom did tummy time with me perfectly or contrast cards perfectly or introduced solids the way she should have or rocked me enough before bed but not too much that I needed her to sleep. I know that I can lift my head and crawl perfectly fine now. I eat food with little to no trouble and I'm not a picky eater. And for the most part, I can sleep on my own just fine.
You know what I do remember about my childhood? That when I felt scared or anxious, I'd crawl into my mom's bed, or she'd sit with me in mine, and I instantly felt safe and like everything would be okay. Now, as an adult, if I'm anxious about something and I call my mom, I get that same feeling. And if I can give that to my child, I'll consider myself the perfect mom.
So, I focus my energy on that, because to me, that's the important stuff. The rest will work itself out. Or it won't. But, at least I won't drive myself and my family crazy worrying about it.
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